Rejuvenated

It's amazing the difference a couple of months can make, isn't it? We struggled for a while about where God wanted us, but after praying hard about it together (my husband and I, that is) God really made us realize that we WERE where God wanted us! I think that no matter where you attend church, you are going to go through times when you are conflicted with things. Afterall, while God is over all, the attendees and leaders are human. None of us is perfect.

Does that mean I agree with everything at the church? No. Do I still love my church? Absolutely! I cannot imagine going to church anywhere else right now. God has blessed us with so many people in the church family who love and support us. If the kids and I show up to church without the man, at LEAST 3 people will ask where he is. If I am walking the kids out to the car, one of the teenagers will pick up one and help me get them buckled in without asking if I want help, she'll just DO it!

I have people who tell me they miss us when we aren't there and come to me and tell me they are praying for my children. When I mention that I'm not sleeping well I have offers to help with the kids. Do I take them up on it? Nah, but if I really needed to, I know I could in a heartbeat.

Just tonight, the women of the church came together for fellowship (and dessert) to kick off a women's ministry! I am so excited to help in any way I can with this and look forward to getting to know some of the women I haven't had the chance to get to know yet.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words regarding my last post. It is SO important to me to feel welcome at a church and feel like an important asset, and now I realize that we are. God has placed us here for a reason.

Hurt and Anger

That's what I feel right now. Too many of the people I have looked to as spiritual leaders have let me down lately. Not only individual people, but entire groups. I'm hurt that people who are supposed to shepherd the flock are not taking the information they hold seriously. When you know a Christian brother/sister is hurting themselves and others, you don't sit on that information for a month without speaking to them. I understand not taking a side, but investigate, research and try to find the truth. Not only are they hurting the person who needs intervention, they are harming their own reputations. The only thing that is giving me solace is that I know that when their name is called and they step before God's throne, they will have to answer for what they have done...or rather what they have not.

There is no reason for a person to feel harassed in their own church. There is no reason for a "sister in Christ" to go to a child spilling filthy lies about that child's mother. When a member is stressed just thinking about walking into that church building, afraid of the people they will see or the looks they will get, something is SERIOUSLY WRONG! The only reason they still go there is so the evil-doers do not get the satisfaction of knowing they ran her off.

WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING YOUR JOB AS LEADERS? I have never been so hurt and disappointed. I want to wrap my arms around my sister and friend. I want to make it all go away. And if I can't make it all go away, I just want it all to be over. There is no reason this has to be hard, it should be easy. Let her move on. Not only for her sake, but for the sake of her children. They are precious.

It's not only this one example either. At my own church I feel like some of us women are fighting a losing battle of starting a Women's Ministry for cryin' out loud! Why won't the preacher support this? He says his wife already does this, but where are the events and the fellowship? Have you not noticed that your membership is dwindling by the week? That the members who are most active are seeking out other options for churches? One day you will realize that the people who donate the majority of their time and effort to the ministries of the church are gone. That you may have people donating money, but the workers are no longer there.

Unfortunatley, my husband and I don't feel like there is anywhere else we would feel comfortable. The only other church that aligns the closest to our beliefs was very....unwelcoming. We attended services for 6 months and when we would see people outside of services, no one would even say "hi". Then we found our current church. We love and adore the people there. We have made better friends there than we have ever had in our lives. The problem...we aren't feeling fed.

I miss options. I miss having more than a handful of churches to choose from. I miss only having a select number of denominations and no TRUE non-denominational churches. I long for nourishment. I need to feel used and valued as a member of our church and God's family. I need my kids to be read bible stories in nursery and not have a mom and dad who dread Sunday's.

At church this morning the youth minister preached about faith without works being dead (James 2). Imagine the timing of that one. I'm feeling like we WANT to work, but that our pulpit minister wants control. I hated looking around and not seeing my best friends.

It's sad that it took not seeing them all there to realize that they truly are my best friends. I knew one of them was, but the other two I didn't. It felt empty. We didn't stay after service to speak to anyone, we just walked to the nursery to pick up the kids and head home. Maybe it's time to leave here afterall.

The Freakin' Illuminati? Really?

Ugh, so we have houseguests right now. Fun. Can I say that I really don't like houseguests? Sure, it's great to see friends and family, but after a few days you are driving me insane. I like it even less now that I have kids. Do not get in the way of me disciplining my kids. Do not look at me like I'm the devil incarnate for taking my kids food away when he throws it at me. Do NOT use curse words in front of my children when you have been asked not to. And yes, I do consider "hell", "shit" and "damn" curse words. Do you here my husband and I speaking like that? No. Do you think we want our very impressionable kids speaking like this? No. So please respect our wishes.

Oh, and woman, you are a friggin' LOON! The Illuminati do not control our government. The election has not already been determined and yes I will be voting. Call me naive if you want, I don't care. I have more hope in our system that that. Do have have faith in our government system? Not so much, but I do have hope that it can be improved and if we want it improved we have to voice our opinions and concern.

Another thing, what happened on 9/11 was a terrorist attack, not the Kennedy/Rockefeller/Vanderbuilt families conspiring to control the US. I'm sick of your cynicism. I'm sick of your flipping conspiracy theories. We had made a choice to retire in your hometown, but I'm seriously questioning that now. I do not want my children exposed to your warped world view. I do not want them having their grandmother questioning our values and beliefs and telling them/implying that they are wrong.

You are entitled to your own opinion, but do not try to force them on me. Do not try to imply that I'm a sheep and I'm just believing what "they" want me to believe. Who are "they" anyway? Oh, yeah, I forgot, the Illuminati. Or is it the major money families? I forget.

And the bailout is not a government conspiracy to get the world public to agree to a One World Bank where we are controlled even more. You believe this crap so much that you are just a cynical woman who has no faith in the goodness of this world.

I could go on, but I will stop. Hmph. Ok, one more thing, your son is MY HUSBAND! My kids are MINE. You are their grandmother, not their mom. Ok, really done now. Are they gone yet?

A New Hope

As I sit here just finishing up watching the Democratic National Convention I am filled with tears. I am amazed that 45 years ago today, Martin Luther King, Jr. made his now famous "I Have a Dream" speech, I am seeing his dream come to life. Even as few as 10 years ago I was in denial that America was ready for a minority president - whether that minority be black, Hispanic or female. I am so proud of how we have evolved as a country. I am so proud that our country, as a whole, looks not at the outside but at the values and morals and beliefs of the people vying to become president.

I am not saying I am going to vote for him. Since I've been able to vote I have never been so unsure. I'm not in love with either one of the choices for president and both scare me in their own ways. He was very inspirational, but is that enough? I really need to look to find out more substance about him. There are so many things that Obama said that I found myself nodding my head with in agreement. I didn't agree with everything, to be sure, but I agreed a whole lot more than I imagined I would. This is the first time I've been able to listen to him without children and whatnot interrupting, so please, don't hate on me that I'm not completely up to date on current events. I am looking forward to the Republican National Convention to see how I feel, especially to find out who McCain has chosen as his running mate - which is supposedly going to happen tomorrow. Even more, I look forward to seeing the debates.

Man, my husband is going to be so happy when this election is over. He is SO not into politics. I think he cares more now, but still...he just doesn't really care so much.

Oh, and how cool is it that the MLK biography I ordered from Paperbackswap got here today? Hmm...I think I know what I will be reading before bed.

Taking a Leap of Faith

A few months ago, I applied - somewhat haphazardly - for a program specifically for military spouses to be come an accredited financial counselor. Hmm....let's just see if I get it. In all honesty, I didn't really think much about applying. I think I was more interested in seeing if I would even get it. I didn't care if I got it and didn't really expect to with my lack of any real experience to speak of.

Well, the day comes when they were supposed to let you know if you were accepted to the program. And then the day went. I realized I was actually disappointed that I didn't get the congratulatory email. I think I realized then that I actually wanted into the program. Or maybe I just wanted to get a "yes". Who knows. Who knew that the next day I would get that email, it was just a day late.

I was pretty excited, ok, make that very excited - though I was very cautious at the same time. I filled out my resume - again - in order to determine my number of practicum hours. Ok, it wasn't bad, right in the middle. So I filled out the letter of intent and mailed it in.

YIKES! What have I just done? I have been questioning my sanity ever since. Ok, I've been questioning it even more since yesterday when I picked up my books from the post office. Seriously? What was I thinking? I've got 2 courses to take and about 5 books to read and my husband will be gone at least 2 of the weeks of my first course (either 5 or 9 weeks depending on which session I get enrolled in) and I've still got other commitments to adhere to as well as taking care of my 2 children and maintaining a home! *deep breath*

So I'm considering this a leap of faith. I'm guessing - hoping, praying - that this is the Lord's will for me. That if I had really thought about it I would have never said yes. I know that with this accreditation I will be able to find a job and begin to build my career (if I so choose) once we leave here/kids are in school/whenever or wherever we live basically.

So, here I sit, at 12:30 a.m., suffering from insomnia and thinking about all the things I should be doing (like reading that Personal Finance text, or sleeping) and realizing that sometimes God doesn't allow us to really think things through before we make a decision. In my case, I think this was a good thing. I would have over thought it and said no. I love being a student and who knows? Maybe this is my calling in life and I don't even know it.

Trusting Your Mommy Gut

Tonight I learned a very important lesson in trusting your mommy gut. My daughter is on a prophylactic antibiotic for a year in hope that her kidneys will begin to work correctly (she currently has issues with reflux). The medication she is on is this horrendous banana flavor - say it with me, "yuck".

Why they ever decided to make infant meds this flavor is beyond me. Cherry, strawberry, grape I can understand, but BANANA? COME ON! You just can't reproduce that flavor - trust me I tried it and gagged. In order to get her to take her daily dose, we have been "hiding" it in her food, all ninja-like. Her bananas, rice, avocados, sweet potatoes and green beans have all had their chance at ninja duty. We share the wealth since they don't like their flavors altered with that nastiness. They told me so.

Well, little miss always sqinches up her face and sticks out her tongue at the first taste of the not-so-stealth food - her food needs additional ninja training apparently. Either that or nothing is that good - which is my guess. In the past couple of days she has decided that she will fight with all her might to not eat the particular item her meds are in. I guess she doesn't know that it will help her, just that it tastes disgusting. I've tried telling her, honest.

Today my wonderful husband decides that we should try just giving it to her straight up. So since she didn't get her dose in her lunch (she is a stubborn thing, that girl), I decided I should try it tonight. Of course I decide this on a night he is on duty (though it seems like he always is lately, but that's for another post). Anyway, as soon as she is finished eating her entire dinner - let me say she did a wonderful job at it too, she must have been hungry - I get up, walk to the medicine cabinet, fill her dropper, walk back to her high chair, bend down and start by dropping about 1/3 into her mouth. All the while, I'm telling myself, "This is NOT going to end well. I should just leave it be for the night and let her enjoy her after-dinner drink [aka water]."

I should have listened to myself. When will I learn?!? As soon as it hit her throat (I put it as far back on her tongue so as not to have her taste it as much) she started gagging. Aaaand....up came what looked like all of her dinner. Yum. So, I spend the next few minutes cleaning her up, calming her down and holding her as I wash off her tray. I'd be having a fit too if I had were her.

I totally just want to take her off this friggin' medicine and call it good. I just know though that if she were to get another kidney infection, I would never forgive myself because I would be the one taking her off her meds. The only other option is to change her to a higher strength antibiotic, but I really don't like that idea either.

As I sit here with my baby girl asleep on my chest, I realize that I should never doubt my intuition. God blessed me with mothers' intuition and I didn't use it. He instilled me (and other women) this gift of feeling, or heart or gut or whatever else you want to call it. I did learn that I need to use that gift to help my children. However, because I failed this time, I won't (in this situation at least) next time.

So moms, trust your gut. He gave you instinct, use it.

I do want to say too, that it was a good idea my husband had. We needed to try it to see if it would work. When we try again, it will be on an empty stomach though. Either that or my husband can clean up her mess, cause that was just nasty.

The Ugly Nail

I used to have gorgeous hands and nails. I had people tell me all the time I should be a hand model. I laughed and thought they were kidding, but I did realize I had good nails. I have long fingers and my nails were always in GREAT condition. They would grow out long and straight, and were nice and thick. When people asked, "What's your favorite part of your body?" I would answer, "My hands and nails."

Why am I speaking as if this were the past? Well, because it certainly isn't true any more. My hands stopped being so pretty the day after my last day of 8th grade. I went camping with my parents and another family we were good friends with and their son (who was like a brother to me and one year younger) and I decided to go for a bike ride. We rode up a large hill and found a beautiful church where someone was going to be married that evening. We headed back down the road and I had a blast with the wind whipping my long hair around and blasting my face. We laughed and had a great time the whole way down. Right before the last hill down into the campground I stopped to wait for my friend (ha ha, I was winning) to see if he wanted to race to the campsite. Of course he says yes.

On your mark, get set, GO! We were off at what we considered breakneck speed and right at the bottom I had missed the patch of gravel on the road. My front tire hit a rock and down my bike slid. I remember sliding and holding on to the handlebars, ending up with the front tire under a parked car. I don't know how I made it back to the RV. Maybe I walked, maybe my friend went to get my parents, I don't remember. I remember the pain and getting the embedded rocks out of my arm, hand and leg. I still have scars. I was told it was smart to hold the handlebars because they could have easily whipped around and hit me right in the head, causing more damage.

That's why my hands are no longer "model" material. I have this strange bump on my right index finger, right at the first joint. I miss my pretty hands. My nails were still good for a long time though.

So how about my nails? A few years ago, I think it was back in 2005, I was working in the kitchen one day and was opening a drawer. My finger missed the pull and my nail got it. Nothing major, but for some reason it hurt my finger something fierce. I look down and my right middle finger had pulled back some and the nail bed was bleeding.

I don't know why it happened. My husband and I were dealing with infertility and I was on medication for that, so maybe that did it. Maybe it was the stress or my poor diet at the time (I was also working full time and working on my Master's degree full time). Who knows. All I know is that it hurt. It happened once or twice more that week and then I forgot about it. I figured it would heal and my nail would start to grow normally again.

WRONG! My nail hasn't healed normally and is now a funky shape and the nail bed is really small. I tend to hide my nails now and I'm embarrassed by them. I still catch that one nail every now and then and pull it back more. I told my husband the other day (after another random pull) that I wouldn't be surprised if I one day pulled the whole nail off. I was only slightly kidding.

It did get me thinking though. Every time I start to forget about it and not be as careful with how I pull out drawers or whatever, I end up catching it, pulling it back even further. How often does that happen in our lives? We forget about the important things and then, BAM, all of a sudden, something happens to force you to notice it. We do well for a while, but then either get busy with other things or get lazy, or we just get comfortable and honestly just forget. It's not bothering us anymore, so it no longer needs special attention.

These things do need attention though. I'm sure if I were to pay more attention and keep my nail cut shorter, it wouldn't catch on things as often. Why is it that something has to force us to take action? We need to make sure the important things are taken care of before something happens, creating pain or discomfort, and requires attention.

This is true of our spiritual walk as well. I know that in my own life I do well for a while. I read my bible daily, pray throughout the day, speak to my kids about God and Jesus, then I get lazy or tired or busy or any of the other millions of excuses I use and these things slip. I'm getting through life and then, yup, there it is. Something happens, I'm angry all the time, my kids are fussy and whiny, my husband is gone and the house starts falling apart. Then I start to pray and read and teach again. I hope and pray that I will get to the point that I don't have those long lapses of contentment without my Father. I hate that it takes something to remind me to pray in order for me to rearrange my priorities once again. I do so much better when I include Him as the head of my life. I've noticed my family does as well.