Stepford Wives

Aren't they amusing? They used to frustrate me and drive me crazy, but now I just laugh at them. Do they really think everything is that peachy?

"Oh, I just spent the morning cleaning the house, cooking the meals, volunteering with my children at the local animal shelter, reading books to my children and playing various children's games. I did it all with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. My children don't get in trouble and are perfect angel's; I never raise my voice to them. I make all my meals from scratch, even when my husband is away for weeks at a time. Blah, blah, blah."

NO ONE is that good! No, I haven't heard anyone say ALL of this, but they have said some of them (usually more than one) and imply others. They have this "I'm so good, I have it all together" attitude. Seriously? You always have a smile on your face and joy in your heart? You never raise your voice to your children? You really make all your meals from scratch? Puh-leeze!

I used to feel like an incompetent, lousy fool of a mom because NONE of those things apply to me! My son is 13 months old and has already had a few meals of Chicken McNuggets. Oh no! He's going to be harmed for life! Someone call children's services and have me taken away! Criminy.

I was talking to the man about this the other day and he brought up the Stepford Wive's. It is SO true! They are beyond "Susie Homemaker", they are downright scary! I think he had it right though, they may have the smile on their face, but they are only fooling themselves and that is just sad. It's okay to get angry and raise your voice. Not all the time, but nothing in life is that perfect.

My question is this: Is it healthy to do this to yourself?

I'm not sure. Sometimes I think these people do this to make themselves think everything is hunky-dory and not get overwhelmed, but it's important to recognize where things aren't going right. That way you can release those emotions instead of keeping them bottled up where they will one day explode.

I'll admit, I am a recovering bottler. I am the product of two bottling parents. I remember only a few fights growing up, but those scared me. There would be yelling, throwing (never at each other and usually items in the garage, not abusive) and I would be scared for days. I never wanted to see my parents like that. I remember one time vividly and I ended up having my oldest sister take me to a friends house. I cried for what seemed like hours until I was so exhausted I fell asleep.

I don't want my children to see that. I want them to see their parents sharing their frustrations in a positive way. We aren't always great at this, but we have never had a fight either. We have come close, but we haven't been there. We talk about things before they get that far. If there is anything remotely close to a fight, I'll admit it's usually my fault.

I may not be the best mom in the world, or wife for that matter, but they will see that I'm not perfect and I won't set the bar so high that they feel they will never measure up. I sometimes feel that way - like I'll never measure up to standards. At least I'm not a Stepford Wife ! I do wish I looked like one though! Man, I wish I could at least look that put together!


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ETA: Ok, I feel compelled to say that I believe it is entirely possible to live with joy in your heart and a smile on your face, but I don't think that it is possible 100% of the time. I do know people who are like this, but even they have their moments where they have to just let things out. Shoot, even Jesus got angry and frustrated and showed it. I do believe God gives us the ultimate joy. I believe I came across harsher than I intended to in my post and I apologize. I was just tired of hearing people pretend everything is always perfect and life isn't perfect.

Definitely not MY parents marriage

So I was in the local book store a few weeks ago looking for a gift for a dear friend, when the title of a book caught my eye - Not Your Parents' Marriage: Bold Parternship for a New Generation. I immediate grabbed it and read the back cover. "Hmm...interesting, I need to read this." So I buy it after finding a little something for my friend and it's been sitting on my kitchen counter ever since.

Funny that I saw it and there was only one copy available. I had been chastising myself for not being the SAHM I feel I should be. I'm horrible about keeping house (just ask anyone who has come over) and I share the duties of cooking and cleaning with my husband. I constantly feel bad about this, but I am at home, chasing after my two young children and would rather play and spend time with them than worry about the house all day. They are on opposite sleep schedules, so there are very few times when they are both asleep at the same time, except for at night.

I have tried to do some cleaning to no avail. The kids come in to help - i.e. climb in or on the dishwasher while I'm unloading it, take everything out of the cabinets as I'm putting them in, try to eat the cleaning sponge, etc. My husband, I do love this man, does not mind and is constantly coming home from work, immediately helping with the kids or the house. He says this is a partnership and that he enjoys helping me with the laundry, cooking and cleaning. He loves playing with and feeding the kids. In fact, he often kicks me out of the house to have coffee with the girls or just go for some solitary confinement, especially when I've had a rough day or two.

While I haven't read the book yet, I believe I will walk away from it feeling that our marriage isn't worse off because of the lack of traditional male/female roles, but rather stronger because of that. Certainly, I'm not saying that those in traditional marriages are not as fulfilled as we are, only that it wouldn't work for us.

My parents barely talk about anything of importance. My dad, I would never consider a family man, but rather one who enjoyed providing for his family in various ways. As a young child, it was through his work. He worked a lot. He gave 110% to his work and we came second. Then he gave his life to God, but instead of becoming closer with his family, he focused on his relationship with God (which is a WONDERFUL thing, don't get me wrong) through his work with our church. He then switched all his energies to Church, then work, then family.

My mom does not stand up to my dad or speak her feelings. She just does what is expected (this kind of reminds me of the opposite of Jane Eyre). I don't feel that as Christians, that is what God calls us to do. Yes, it does say that the husband is the spiritual leader of the family, but as such he should speak in love and do things for his wife. Do I feel that my parents have a horrible marriage? No. Would I want their marriage? Heck no.

All in all, I really look forward to reading this book. It is also a bible study, so I will be asking my husband to join me. It will be interesting and I'll fill you in on my thoughts after I've read it.

The Big Letdown

No, I'm not talking about lactation here, I've just been let down a lot lately. I'm bummed that my husband (who has been gone for two weeks and was supposed to be home by now, will now be gone another week). This is the longest we've been apart from one another in 5 years. Granted, it's following the longest we've ever been together since we met, but it's hard. Maybe that is what makes it even harder. It's the first time he's away since we've had kids. It's the first time we realize that we really hate this part of "this life". It sucks. I want him home to help with the kids, to play with them, to hold me in his arms and tell me how wonderful I am, to spoon with me as we go to sleep and have his breathe on my neck. I love how we just fit perfectly together. From the beginning we always said that our bodies were just meant to fit together. They are the perfect distance that when I'm curled up, he can curl up right behind me and nuzzle me and our knees are together, my feet just above his, my hips curl right into his just perfectly. Hmm....sorry if that was too much for you all, I just miss him terribly.

I feel let down by my family. I thought my siblings were coming out this year for visits, but alas, they inform me they will not be able to come. Sure, I understand expenses come up. I really do, but I miss them something fierce and would love to show off "my town". However, as soon as you knew you weren't coming...tell me. Don't let me find out from other people. I don't think they get why we like it so much here, but they haven't ever been here either. I think they are ticked that we are asking to stay here longer than we are required and hope to stay double that length. I also wish they would have respected my wishes by not telling certain people I wanted to tell about this decision. I wish they would understand. I wish they would understand that expense is the reason we can't visit them this year either when we had been planning on it for the past 6 months or so. Not only expenses, but work schedules just don't allow for vacations right now either. Please don't get mad, try to understand.

I feel let down by some people that should know better. Why ruin a good thing? Even if it's not a good thing, wait until you are out of that situation before you screw up so royally. I know this portion probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but it's cathartic to get it out anyway. I'm disgusted by the behavior of these people. I'm disgusted that punishment was dealt to one, but not all who have done essentially the same thing. I'm disgusted by the fact that people run their mouths without bothering to find out the facts, and this, in turn ruins the reputation of those I love.

I feel let down by my parents and in-laws. Show more interest! Ask how I'M doing. Call to find out how the grandkids are. Get to know me. Try to understand our beliefs and ways we want to raise our children. Even if you don't understand, at least respect our decisions. Don't look at me like I'm nuts when I say I don't want my children to have dessert or sweets at this age. Special occasions, sure, but not all the time.

Most importantly, I've let down myself. I've let people get to me, when I should be focused on me and my husband and children. I've let myself down because I've raised my voice at my son who doesn't understand why mommy is so angry. I'm ashamed of myself. I should be able to control it, but I've got too much going on. I hate that I always make excuses. I'm just frustrated and tired and ready to have my schedule back. Sometimes I think I want my life back the way it was before kids, but then I look at them and feel so much love. I'm mad that I've been eating junk food like crazy. If it's in the house, it's in my mouth. Partly to keep my mouth shut, partly to ease my internal pain, partly just because it tastes so dang good. But wait, chocolate is good for you, right?

So what's good? I've got a husband who loves me and does his job so that we can be provided for. I've got family that loves me and just wishes we could see one another. My kids have grandparents who love them very much. The other issues (of the group that shall not be named) should be resolved soon. Not resolved so much as just leaving my field of vision so to speak. I've got friends I can rely on. I'm starting to walk at least a few times a week. I'm playing with my kids more since daddy isn't here to play with them. I've got hands in the house to help right now, so that the house can stay relatively clean without me spending my time on it all the time. I've got parents and in-laws who love me, whether they understand me or not.

Mommy Guilt

It's a powerful thing. It's also never ending. No matter what we decide to do - or not do - we feel guilty about the possible repercussions. What if he gets sick? What if she resents that I made this choice? What if they grow up and hate me? Ok, so maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but we really do ask ourselves these questions, don't we? Or am I the only crazy one? I'm not crazy. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes. No. Argh. Stop it!

Seriously, though. I've been debating with myself about some things lately and I can't seem to make a decision. I don't think I like being a SAHM (that's stay at home mom, for all you folks out there in blogger-land who don't know the mommy lingo). I hate saying it, but I really, honestly think I may hate it! It's horrible, I know. All I ever wanted to do growing up (for the most part) was be a wife and mom and now that that's all I am, I don't like myself. I want, dare I say, I need something more.

I need something for myself. I need accomplishments to own and conquer. I need to be able to come home and say, "Honey, guess what I did today!" and then proceed to inform him of the wonderful job I did at work or about the new, interesting thing I learned or person I met. I need a life outside of mommyhood. I need to realize that in order for me to be the best mommy I can be, it may be better for my husband and children if I work outside the home.

But then I see one of my little ones look up at me and smile that adorable smile with her nose scrunched up, eyes kind of squinting and her two dimples glowing or his mouth wide and arms up reaching for his "mamamamamama" and I wonder if it's worth it. I would miss it and wouldn't I hate that someone else was having fun with my child during the day.

It was after thinking on this that I realized....there is no right answer. No matter what choice I make, my children will be ok. Not only that, but they will thrive. The choice I make will change our family dynamic, sure, but we will make the best of it. I've never heard anyone say, "I hate my mom because she didn't stay home with me; she was out making a living and helping support our family" and I've never heard anyone say, "I wish my mom HAD worked outside the house. I hated spending so much time with her and playing with her." Sure there may be some who do say these things, but then again, probably not.

I'm tired of questioning if I'm doing the right thing on every single friggin' decision I make regarding myself or the kids and wondering how it will affect their lives. We do this to ourselves, don't we?

I've spoken with mom's whose children are all grown and out of the house. They still feel guilty about decisions they made, even though they know their kids are healthy and strong and smart and independent. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end.

You stay home full time and teach your kids and do all sorts of crafts and things while still cleaning your house top to bottom? Good for you! You work outside the home to help your family or just to fulfill your own dreams? Good for you! We need to all do what's best for us in our own families.

It's interesting. Mommy guilt is such a huge issue, I came up with 32,300 Google results when I typed it in their search engine. There are blogs, books, seminars, etc to help us get over or use our MG to help us become better parents. Why not something to help us not have it at all? Perhaps, because we do have it for a reason. Perhaps, it does help us make wiser decisions for our children. Who knows, but I for one am sick of it.

Sigh....I did come across this article on zapping mommy guilt. It's good, but I doubt it will actually keep us from feeling guilty. If only. It sounds so easy, but yet it's so hard to follow.

I'll leave you with this quote (from the above article) by Lori Radun:

Unless you are severely neglecting your child or setting a very bad example for your children, there is no reason for you to feel guilt. God chose you to be the mother of your children, and He doesn't make mistakes. God does not expect you to be a perfect mother and he does not expect you to raise perfect children. So relax, have confidence, and enjoy the journey of motherhood.

Why Confuse and Conquer?

You're probably sitting there thinking, "What the crap? Seriously? Why would she choose that? What is she talking about? There goes the crazy woman again." There are many reasons.

1. Why not? It's my blog and I'll name it whatever I want, thank you very much!
2. It's something my husband says to me all the time when I'm confused by something he says or when I confuse the crap out of him and get my way.
3. I firmly believe most of the world politicians do this to us every day. I think people are always after their own agenda and if they can confuse us enough to make us agree with them, that's all the better, right?
   
4. This concept can be applied to all areas of life from early childhood until the very end - not just politicians, everyone tries to do this, even if they don't admit it.
   
5. Oh, and my other idea for a blog title was taken by someone who wrote one entry several years ago and never did anything else. Ugh.
   

I'll go into detail about many of these areas through my posts, but mostly, this is going to be my place to be who I want to be and say what I feel for once without worrying about who I offend or who agrees or disagrees with me. Ok, who am I kidding, I'm not like that at all, but I'm going to try to do that.

I am one to just allow people to walk on me like the "welcome" mat on my doorstep, wipe their feet all over me with their dirt and grime (especially the Kodiak kind that's really nasty in winter - slush and mud in one - YUCK!) and still smile, take their coat and ask if they want coffee or better yet a martini. I'm sick and tired of being that person. I'm tired of being labeled by what my husband does or by what house I live in or what clothes I wear or my children and how they came to be (yes. there is a story there, and in time I may share it, but I've got another place for that).

I was talking to a girlfriend last night and realized that I SO miss being ME! I miss writing about my thoughts and feelings and opening myself up for evaluation. That's what this is for. A place to hone my skills once again. To re-discover who I am. I want to be someone other than a wife and mom. I NEED to be someone other than that. I need more in my life. I thought that's all I ever wanted only to find that it is only a small part of who I am. I want a life of my own in many ways.

How am I going to do this exactly? I'm not sure, but I know it will come. My postings may be rare or they may come several times a week. Who knows? All I know is that today, I'm one step closer. Feel free to join me.

eta: Still wondering what my other blog idea was? Stone Soup. If you're anywhere near as nosy as I am you were curious. It would have been equally appropriate for me, seeing as I feel like a little bit of everything thrown into one.