The Big Letdown

No, I'm not talking about lactation here, I've just been let down a lot lately. I'm bummed that my husband (who has been gone for two weeks and was supposed to be home by now, will now be gone another week). This is the longest we've been apart from one another in 5 years. Granted, it's following the longest we've ever been together since we met, but it's hard. Maybe that is what makes it even harder. It's the first time he's away since we've had kids. It's the first time we realize that we really hate this part of "this life". It sucks. I want him home to help with the kids, to play with them, to hold me in his arms and tell me how wonderful I am, to spoon with me as we go to sleep and have his breathe on my neck. I love how we just fit perfectly together. From the beginning we always said that our bodies were just meant to fit together. They are the perfect distance that when I'm curled up, he can curl up right behind me and nuzzle me and our knees are together, my feet just above his, my hips curl right into his just perfectly. Hmm....sorry if that was too much for you all, I just miss him terribly.

I feel let down by my family. I thought my siblings were coming out this year for visits, but alas, they inform me they will not be able to come. Sure, I understand expenses come up. I really do, but I miss them something fierce and would love to show off "my town". However, as soon as you knew you weren't coming...tell me. Don't let me find out from other people. I don't think they get why we like it so much here, but they haven't ever been here either. I think they are ticked that we are asking to stay here longer than we are required and hope to stay double that length. I also wish they would have respected my wishes by not telling certain people I wanted to tell about this decision. I wish they would understand. I wish they would understand that expense is the reason we can't visit them this year either when we had been planning on it for the past 6 months or so. Not only expenses, but work schedules just don't allow for vacations right now either. Please don't get mad, try to understand.

I feel let down by some people that should know better. Why ruin a good thing? Even if it's not a good thing, wait until you are out of that situation before you screw up so royally. I know this portion probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but it's cathartic to get it out anyway. I'm disgusted by the behavior of these people. I'm disgusted that punishment was dealt to one, but not all who have done essentially the same thing. I'm disgusted by the fact that people run their mouths without bothering to find out the facts, and this, in turn ruins the reputation of those I love.

I feel let down by my parents and in-laws. Show more interest! Ask how I'M doing. Call to find out how the grandkids are. Get to know me. Try to understand our beliefs and ways we want to raise our children. Even if you don't understand, at least respect our decisions. Don't look at me like I'm nuts when I say I don't want my children to have dessert or sweets at this age. Special occasions, sure, but not all the time.

Most importantly, I've let down myself. I've let people get to me, when I should be focused on me and my husband and children. I've let myself down because I've raised my voice at my son who doesn't understand why mommy is so angry. I'm ashamed of myself. I should be able to control it, but I've got too much going on. I hate that I always make excuses. I'm just frustrated and tired and ready to have my schedule back. Sometimes I think I want my life back the way it was before kids, but then I look at them and feel so much love. I'm mad that I've been eating junk food like crazy. If it's in the house, it's in my mouth. Partly to keep my mouth shut, partly to ease my internal pain, partly just because it tastes so dang good. But wait, chocolate is good for you, right?

So what's good? I've got a husband who loves me and does his job so that we can be provided for. I've got family that loves me and just wishes we could see one another. My kids have grandparents who love them very much. The other issues (of the group that shall not be named) should be resolved soon. Not resolved so much as just leaving my field of vision so to speak. I've got friends I can rely on. I'm starting to walk at least a few times a week. I'm playing with my kids more since daddy isn't here to play with them. I've got hands in the house to help right now, so that the house can stay relatively clean without me spending my time on it all the time. I've got parents and in-laws who love me, whether they understand me or not.