Mommy Guilt

It's a powerful thing. It's also never ending. No matter what we decide to do - or not do - we feel guilty about the possible repercussions. What if he gets sick? What if she resents that I made this choice? What if they grow up and hate me? Ok, so maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but we really do ask ourselves these questions, don't we? Or am I the only crazy one? I'm not crazy. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes. No. Argh. Stop it!

Seriously, though. I've been debating with myself about some things lately and I can't seem to make a decision. I don't think I like being a SAHM (that's stay at home mom, for all you folks out there in blogger-land who don't know the mommy lingo). I hate saying it, but I really, honestly think I may hate it! It's horrible, I know. All I ever wanted to do growing up (for the most part) was be a wife and mom and now that that's all I am, I don't like myself. I want, dare I say, I need something more.

I need something for myself. I need accomplishments to own and conquer. I need to be able to come home and say, "Honey, guess what I did today!" and then proceed to inform him of the wonderful job I did at work or about the new, interesting thing I learned or person I met. I need a life outside of mommyhood. I need to realize that in order for me to be the best mommy I can be, it may be better for my husband and children if I work outside the home.

But then I see one of my little ones look up at me and smile that adorable smile with her nose scrunched up, eyes kind of squinting and her two dimples glowing or his mouth wide and arms up reaching for his "mamamamamama" and I wonder if it's worth it. I would miss it and wouldn't I hate that someone else was having fun with my child during the day.

It was after thinking on this that I realized....there is no right answer. No matter what choice I make, my children will be ok. Not only that, but they will thrive. The choice I make will change our family dynamic, sure, but we will make the best of it. I've never heard anyone say, "I hate my mom because she didn't stay home with me; she was out making a living and helping support our family" and I've never heard anyone say, "I wish my mom HAD worked outside the house. I hated spending so much time with her and playing with her." Sure there may be some who do say these things, but then again, probably not.

I'm tired of questioning if I'm doing the right thing on every single friggin' decision I make regarding myself or the kids and wondering how it will affect their lives. We do this to ourselves, don't we?

I've spoken with mom's whose children are all grown and out of the house. They still feel guilty about decisions they made, even though they know their kids are healthy and strong and smart and independent. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end.

You stay home full time and teach your kids and do all sorts of crafts and things while still cleaning your house top to bottom? Good for you! You work outside the home to help your family or just to fulfill your own dreams? Good for you! We need to all do what's best for us in our own families.

It's interesting. Mommy guilt is such a huge issue, I came up with 32,300 Google results when I typed it in their search engine. There are blogs, books, seminars, etc to help us get over or use our MG to help us become better parents. Why not something to help us not have it at all? Perhaps, because we do have it for a reason. Perhaps, it does help us make wiser decisions for our children. Who knows, but I for one am sick of it.

Sigh....I did come across this article on zapping mommy guilt. It's good, but I doubt it will actually keep us from feeling guilty. If only. It sounds so easy, but yet it's so hard to follow.

I'll leave you with this quote (from the above article) by Lori Radun:

Unless you are severely neglecting your child or setting a very bad example for your children, there is no reason for you to feel guilt. God chose you to be the mother of your children, and He doesn't make mistakes. God does not expect you to be a perfect mother and he does not expect you to raise perfect children. So relax, have confidence, and enjoy the journey of motherhood.

Why Confuse and Conquer?

You're probably sitting there thinking, "What the crap? Seriously? Why would she choose that? What is she talking about? There goes the crazy woman again." There are many reasons.

1. Why not? It's my blog and I'll name it whatever I want, thank you very much!
2. It's something my husband says to me all the time when I'm confused by something he says or when I confuse the crap out of him and get my way.
3. I firmly believe most of the world politicians do this to us every day. I think people are always after their own agenda and if they can confuse us enough to make us agree with them, that's all the better, right?
   
4. This concept can be applied to all areas of life from early childhood until the very end - not just politicians, everyone tries to do this, even if they don't admit it.
   
5. Oh, and my other idea for a blog title was taken by someone who wrote one entry several years ago and never did anything else. Ugh.
   

I'll go into detail about many of these areas through my posts, but mostly, this is going to be my place to be who I want to be and say what I feel for once without worrying about who I offend or who agrees or disagrees with me. Ok, who am I kidding, I'm not like that at all, but I'm going to try to do that.

I am one to just allow people to walk on me like the "welcome" mat on my doorstep, wipe their feet all over me with their dirt and grime (especially the Kodiak kind that's really nasty in winter - slush and mud in one - YUCK!) and still smile, take their coat and ask if they want coffee or better yet a martini. I'm sick and tired of being that person. I'm tired of being labeled by what my husband does or by what house I live in or what clothes I wear or my children and how they came to be (yes. there is a story there, and in time I may share it, but I've got another place for that).

I was talking to a girlfriend last night and realized that I SO miss being ME! I miss writing about my thoughts and feelings and opening myself up for evaluation. That's what this is for. A place to hone my skills once again. To re-discover who I am. I want to be someone other than a wife and mom. I NEED to be someone other than that. I need more in my life. I thought that's all I ever wanted only to find that it is only a small part of who I am. I want a life of my own in many ways.

How am I going to do this exactly? I'm not sure, but I know it will come. My postings may be rare or they may come several times a week. Who knows? All I know is that today, I'm one step closer. Feel free to join me.

eta: Still wondering what my other blog idea was? Stone Soup. If you're anywhere near as nosy as I am you were curious. It would have been equally appropriate for me, seeing as I feel like a little bit of everything thrown into one.